Tomorrow begins

Orientation begins tomorrow. I’m equal parts excited and fearful, fearful of the time it’ll take from the quiet begin at home, fearful if I’ll find enough of myself to commit to it in a real way. 

The books are on the way – contemporary topics in information science, data and information hierarchies, things that sound tantalizing but also extremely obscure. So that’s what life is going to be: work, study, and hopefully still a little bit of life. I haven’t been a social person in a long enough time that there is this sense of returning to someone I was before I got drunk on socializing in college, which turned my head more than anything else. And now there is that chance to be focused, to be apart, and it’s so much more that the strength in being alone I wish I could have had when I was younger, in almost every stage of life: in elementary school I was too unaware of others or even myself to long for friendship, but afterwards I began to see and feel the ways I was different. 

I knew nothing colloquial. I knew no popular television shows or music or celebrities. I knew nothing that amounts to being cool, which is really having others interested in you in a way that can’t be easily satisfied with a static answer. Someone you think plays guitar, and shows signs of it without ever having to prove it. It’s a distributed weight that’s as much on the curious party as the mysterious party. And that wanting to know and learn and to be familiar, in order to blend in more. Moving around so much, it because being without a geographic context to grant the right accent, the right things to refer to in conversation, or even enough familiarity to ave a conversation without great anxiety and shyness. 

So instead books and music were my friends, and with them I’d spend hours alone every day, even though high school.

Gotta hop into the shower. But I like this thread – maybe I’ll pick it up again when next time to sit and write comes.